dichotomies

i had a dream about friends of ours that i haven’t spoken to in a while who went through a very painful loss of their unborn child recently. i won’t go into details, but it shook me back into reality from this little babymoon i’ve been on. not that i’m not happy or anything, it’s just i needed a reality check to remember to look at the other side.
we have friends who struggle with infertility, friends who have suffered incredibly painful losses of their children during pregnancy, and, unfortunately, friends who have spent time with their beautiful children on this earth only to lose them. life is precious, fleeting. i didn’t know the full pain of what losing a baby during pregnancy was until we, who weren’t even trying to have a baby, lost our little guy in december. i remember standing in our bedroom almost falling over on trevor because i was crying so hard. and i had only known about him/her for like 2 weeks, and before then thoughts of having a baby hadn’t crossed our minds yet. life is so precious, so fleeting. i know the stories of others who had to make tough decisions and deal with what felt like completely unnatural circumstances so much harder than our own.

we have heard countless painful stories of how friends have wanted so badly to get pregnant but can’t. at least not yet. some of them have decided to keep trying and waiting. some have decided to try IUI or IVF, and others who are starting the process of adoption. we have walked with friends through miscarriages and still with others through genetic anamolies that are incompatible with life outside the womb. nothing rocks somebody’s world like loss. but it seems nothing rocks somebody’s world like life, either.

so why do we get to experience the joy of having a child so … easily? well, certainly we went through loss. but that loss was, in all ways, the way it was meant to be. i know God teaches us through all things, both joyful and painful. i still don’t know theologically if He “wants” the painful stuff to happen or how to go about even speaking about His ways and thoughts when they are so different, so above our own. but we see that He was preparing us. preparing our hearts and minds to see our child the way He sees all children, all people- that wonderful and masterful mixture of completely precious and fragile, yet also strong and completely awe-inspiring. i don’t fully know why God is taking us on this journey at this point, but we can’t help but be thankful. yet we can’t also help but be aware of those who heard that we were pregnant and thought “what?! we’ve been trying forever and they get pregnant just like that?” … i wish i knew God’s rhymes and reasons. but at the same time, i’m beyond thankful that i don’t, because i know that my little human brain would implode at the sheer awesomeness of His thoughts. but i do want to say that i understand if it is painful and i don’t mind if you don’t read this silly little blog. i truly do understand. but also know that you are in our hearts and in the heart of our little one already.

not completely sure why i decided to write on this today, but i have been feeling the miracle of life within me and have been so focused on our journey as a couple entering into parenthood, that recently i have forgotten about OUR journey. as a people. as a community. i just needed a place to get my thoughts out. thanks, blog.

lots of love and prayers,
k.

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