not in a Buddy the Elf “i’m in love and i don’t care who knows it!” kind of twirling around and screaming way, but in a mature way that i have never experienced before. all my life i have never loved my body. granted, i’ve always been pretty lucky when it came to weight, etc. my family is a bunch of thin, lanky characters, and i’ve always been called “tall glass of water.” despite being tall and relatively thin (and if this was the “old” me i would say- “i’m sorry” for admitting that i recognize i have always been pretty thin), i never loved what i saw. sometimes i would like what i saw, or i would think a day or two out of the week that i was lookin pretty good, i felt pretty okay with my body. but never loved. my husband loved. and was always amazed that i didn’t love. but i definitely didn’t love.
but now. the tables have turned. i feel beautiful. i am the biggest i have ever been and have gained a solid 25 pounds (granted, it is mainly belly, but some other rather feminine areas have been enjoying the ride as well), and i love my body. i love my body because i know now what it is capable of. how strong it is. how it is not just mine. i feel a sense of empowerment in my own abilities- physical, educational, career-wise, you name it- moreso than i have ever have. i am confident. i have been a million times more assertive in certain situations lately that i would have just let slide and probably complained about later, after the fact. i am “coming into my own” if you will. except not. not at all really. i think i am finally getting to a place where i fully recognize the immensity of what it means to belong to Christ. i am not my own, my body is not my own, baboosh is not my own. there is a beautiful sense of freedom when you realize that you can fully submit to Christ. freedom in submission … it is a beautiful thing when it is Biblically sound. as pretty much everything is, right?!
anyway, i wanted to simply share that i feel more myself than i ever have. i love being pregnant, and i know that baboosh feels that love in there. i do have negative side effects of being pretty much 8 months pregnant (always hot, hips and back hurt, tough to move around, etc etc), but those negative side effects pale in comparison to the beauty of what God is doing inside of me. inside of my heart. i am trying to soak up every last moment of these next 5 and a half weeks or so (depending on when he decides to arrive!) and simply enjoy the fact that my body is sustaining life. that it is changing in crazy ways. that no matter what my body LOOKS like after having the baboosh, that it will never be the same because of what it has been through. in a beautiful way, even if i never lose all the weight. and i have found the freedom to say- i don’t care about all that. the inside of my body is infinitely more powerful than the outside of it, and i don’t care if culturally speaking that is not true. because i don’t want to continue to speak in cultural terms.