so… putting this out there makes it real. makes it more tangible than just thoughts. not sure what to do with these thoughts and potential callings besides pray … but felt i needed to share. maybe just to clear my mind. maybe to encourage you to pray for me if you have a moment. maybe just to get it out of my system while God calls me elsewhere.
this “year of yes” business is getting crazy. God has us feeling unsettled. He’s shaking things up in my heart and putting us on a track that, well, is scary. scary in the way that means you’re probably relfecting His glory moreso than you have before. scary in the way that trusting it means jumping out of your comfort zone and putting yourself in a situation that doesn’t feel normal or understandable by the world’s standards. but still feels right. scary right i guess.
i’ve been thinking a lot about my student loan debt a lot recently. i got my masters in clinical psychology at a private christian school in the midwest. i was in a doctoral program until we got pregnant with mr keaton and we decided to leave. but honestly, we wanted out of there for a while before then. God was just very clearly telling us that He wanted us to leave when keaton came around. i decided to attend this particular univeristy because it was christian and i felt i would be sherpherded well all while receiving a stellar education. personally, i was disappointed. i got a decent education and felt the loneliest i’ve ever felt in my life. there was no real community, at least for me, and the professors were unaccessible and uninterested. unfortunate. especially for the money we spent.
we’ve been Dave Ramsey’ing our way out of debt (no more car loan! student loan is “all” that’s left. but it’s a doozy that we are picking away at), but with the husband losing his job and my employment not always being the most consistent (we budget for my minimum- which is still sometimes hard!) it’s been harder than usual. but God provides, guys. always has always will. i trust that fully. i’ve seen it happen multiple times. to us. to friends. to strangers. God is coming at me, putting it on my heart to get rid of it all as soon as possible. mmmk God, what are You doing here?
i have been having dreams the past couple weeks of being a midwife in a country somewhere in Africa where the maternal mortality rates are staggering. i’ve been researching it a lot lately. it’s on my heart. it’s breaking my heart. maybe God is breaking my heart for what breaks His. missionary midwife? or doula? is that what you’re calling me towards, God? Trev could do EMT work, could do sports work. keaton could love on his buddies. is that why i’m being told i need to be done with this student loan business AND feeling called towards missions work in some way shape or form? is this the plan?
i can’t help but feel like maybe it is. i also can’t help but feel like maybe it’s not. maybe it’s a fleeting thought that God wants us to entertain so that i could get to a place where we are more okay than ever just trusting His provision and plan, ready for when He calls us elsewhere.
either way. i want to be ready. i want to say yes to Him. i want to be wise, discerning, teachable.
teach me, God.