sometimes

i can’t count how many posts i’ve made where i’ve mentioned how crazy it is that my son is growing up so quickly. i guess i won’t ever stop thinking that. even when i am watching him drive away for the first time on his own, or heading off to college, or getting his first career job, or dancing with him on his wedding day, or crying with him when his son or daughter is born…i guess my thought will always be- wow, how time has flown!

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i don’t really want it to fly though. not necessarily because i treasure these moments so much (i do, i wish i could bottle them up and keep them forever), but moreso because i don’t want that to be my life. “where did the time go?!”

this year, after looking at pinterest at the end of last year, i decided to take note of little joys that happen each day in my life. not only does this help me see joy in sometimes unexpected places, but it helps me take some time out of being preoccupied with busy-ness and focus on the sweetness of life. grace.

some days the joys are easier to spot than others. keaton happy, mama happy- yes, good things just seem to burst forth like a well.  but some days i don’t want to leave the house and keaton is running me ragged and i just don’t know how i’m keeping all of the balls i have in the air up so high. but those days are when this practice is so needed. where is my joy? in my circumstance? dependent on my day to day experiences? dependent on the choices my son makes to obey or disobey? where is the joy in that fickle-ness? how can i be IN the moment when i feel overwhelmed by it?!

those are the days i need the reminders of sweet grace in my life. of taking on a project and seeing it to completion. of writing hand written cards to friends and sending them. of bringing up old jokes with my husband that we had forgotten how they used to make us laugh so hard we couldn’t breathe. of being intentional in my discipline with my son but deciding to focus more on connecting than correcting. of finding even small ways to bless my family. of doing something sweet for my husband that reminds him that no matter how many kids or jobs or crazy things that happen, that i always strive to honor and love him well because, well, i love him.

thinking about these sweet graces in my life and shifting my perspective is helping me reclaim my joy. and it’s keeping my footing strong. and helps me stay in the moment, enjoying the moments rather than letting them dictate how my life will be, or how i will engage in that life. yes there are times when i’m stressed, and overwhelmed, and wondering how in the world i can take any more in that exact moment- but in that same exact moment there is still joy to be found. it takes a lot of intentionality to find it, but it’s there. and i’m learning to find it. to enjoy the moments of my life rather than let them slip by unnoticed. it’s making me a better woman. a better wife. a better mom.

a few days ago was a rough day with keaton. he wasn’t giving me a hard time, he was having a hard time. or at least i kept telling myself that.  i wasn’t feeling well, i didn’t have a lot of energy to play with him, and i was getting the brunt of his frustration. we could have gone on all day like that. a few minutes of giggles followed by some alone time, followed by tears and frustration, followed by some giggles and so the pattern could have just repeated all day. i decided instead to make the best of it. his sweet little laugh was all i needed to keep going. we made, out of the blankets on the bed that i was laying sick in, a pretty awesome fort. i had keaton run and get books and toys and he brought them in with him, as if he was entering disneyland or something, with a huge smile he says “mommy this is VERY cool!” add on a flashlight and some shadow puppets and there you go…day turned upside down. a shift in my perspective to be present and meet his needs while needing to meet my own needs as well…took a bit more effort than just turning over and thinking “woah is me…”

and it was one of those moments that will go down on a piece of paper for my little joys of the day for the year. and when the year is up and i look back on it through these papers, i can smile and say- yup, that WAS very cool.

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One thought on “sometimes

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